The One I Never Met

HOPE ……

This is what I cried out for, eight years ago while  going through THE most difficult time of my life.

I was thirteen weeks pregnant, as I anxiously laid on the ultrasound bed ready to see, and hear the heartbeat of our first child. After four years of infertility, a child was a dream  I never thought we’d  have.

I actually had no idea. As I waited for the nurse to say something, and show me the picture of the beautiful thumping of the small precious being inside of me, all I noticed was a distressed look on her face.

She got up, went to get the doctor, and as he lifted me up gently, I’ll never forget his next words ………

“I’m so sorry honey, but there is no heartbeat”.

dark portrait

As the room seem to fad, and my body quickly going numb, I cried  “How could this be?, I just saw my little one at last weeks ultrasound!”.

For anyone who has ever experienced a miscarriage, or a loss of a child, you KNOW the excruciating pain and devastation that fills your heart and mind from this now, missing part of your life.

Such comfort though came from Revelation 21:4 saying  “He will wipe every tear from their eyes, and there will be no more death or sorrow or crying or pain. All these things are gone forever.”

We got through that difficult  time,and by God’s grace, we went on to having four more beautiful babies. I don’t know how – but that is the grace of God. I consider each of them a miracle and a gift.

My two oldest girls are seven and five. They have both recently expressed an emotional interest in the loss of our first baby. My husband and I have been able to explain what happened and let them know how much we trusted God through this, and that He is always in control!  We also explained that as a way to cope with that hard time, we went ahead and named our baby.

That name was HOPE.

For we had hope, that God would come through for us again.

Lately, for some reason, my five year old has continued to talk, cry, and ask questions about Hope. Something is pulling on her heart strings. After many conversations with her, I asked her if their was anything she would like to do.

She said, “I want to send something up to heaven for her Mama”.

I didn’t want to take her feelings lightly. Something was going on in her tender heart, and I didn’t want to dismiss that.

She got right to work!  making a little bracelet and pictures to send up with a balloon.

hope

Every day she would ask  “when can we send them up mama?”,  and bounce around the house with a joy and excitement in her spirit!. She knew that she would see this little baby one day, that we never got to meet., and I can tell that through our family conversations, she trusted God that our baby was right in His hands.

The day came when our whole family was together for an afternoon, and we planned on going for a walk out to ‘send the balloons up’.

They prepared their balloons.

balloon

And I watched my girls send them off.

send

go!

What a beautiful thing to see and experience, the heartfelt feelings and faith of a child.      In their eyes, their sister or brother is holding those balloons.

There is a sweet baby up in heaven, resting in the arms of Jesus. I have never met this little one, but plan to one day. I have an unconditional, and incredible love for our first child that can’t be described.

The Lord has given us five children!  My ‘quiver’ is blessed

Children are a gift from the Lord;
they are a reward from him.
4 Children born to a young man
are like arrows in a warrior’s hands.
5 How joyful is the man whose quiver is full of them!
He will not be put to shame when he confronts his accusers at the city gates.  Psalm 127:3-5

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5 thoughts on “The One I Never Met

  1. In the Secret Life of the Unborn Child, the author talks about how children know about their siblings – miscarried or aborted. It is so important to consecrate life to God, the spirit lives on but it is closure on this side of glory

  2. I almost didn’t read this because it still is so painful for me, but I’m glad I did. 8 years ago on 1/24 I lost my first baby. I now have three beautiful children ages 7,5 and 2 and my older boys have been asking about the baby. I never thought to have them do something like this so they could feel connected. Thank you so much for sharing.

  3. Hi, Kaitlyn. I just read this post and it touched me. Our last baby is named Hope. Having children has not come easily for us. I have struggled with endometriosis. (I still don’t know how to spell it.) It’s a miracle we have any children, let alone four. A few years ago we felt we were not yet complete, though our first three were getting a little older. We really hoped for one more. She was the fulfillment of that hope, thus the name. Thank you for sharing your story. God is good!

  4. I too know the heartache of losing a child. All my life starting at age 4 I wanted to be a mommy. Two years after getting married, God surprised us with a baby. Unfortunately we never got to hold her. We eventually had two more girls but it’s still painful to talk about the first baby. My girls talk about her often. I don’t want to hinder them from this but it hurts. I don’t think that will ever go away. I truly believe that I lost more babies via early miscarriages. I never took a pregnancy test. It was just too painful. I know that I will have more happy faces to see when I get to Heaven.

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